Why infants like me dont like to go for weddings… Aseem N wrote this at 8:29 am • Filed under I, Me and Myself, General •

After a hectic schedule on a business trip and flying from Sydney to New York, moving ahead to London and then back to Washington, I took the next flight to Sitapur and then moved to Belarampur in a private jet, only to suddenly wake up out of the dreamy little sleep I had managed to get in the train after a sleepless and tiring weekend. I immediately checked for the existence of my luggage stuffed with stinking socks and briefs, few unwashed clothes, a kurta apt for my cousin’s wedding (that costed me as much as Bill Gate’s new house in Los Angeles) and a few hand grenades and time bombs (these railways just have no security in place!). So I cudnt afford to sleep and leave my baggage to the mercy of a thief… I had to be the watch dog!

On reaching Pune my Mom launched a full fledged ballistic missile attack of 2-3 Prithvi missiles and a few more of the Agni range. How the hell could a 22 year old mature adult forget to carry footwear for a wedding and walk in with only sports shoes? While his travel bag stinked like one those tabelas in bihar he needs to be readmitted in atleast Class I or even worse in Kindergarten if he wiped his running nose on his t-shirt ever again. So without being entitled for a much awaited sleep I was sent to shop… I felt frustrated like an innocent guy who is jailed for 14yrs and on release is sent to prison again, just because he didn’t salute the jailor. That’s how life treats you sometimes…

Moving onto the wedding… It was the first one I had attended in all its phases. Busy guys like me don’t find time for weddings right? They can only watch hours together of NDTV (For Smriti Rao ofcourse!) and bikini babes on Fashion TV. A heartfelt thanks to my cousin who gave me this wonderful opportunity to realise that weddings for real are institutions offering crash courses in Saree Design, Art of Ornament Exhibition, and Gossipology. For the ladies though it sounds like an equivalent to Kitty parties but for the men it’s a place to realise their long suppressed regrets. Poor men, if they even happened to prolong a natural glance over a pretty woman, their wives gave them the typical emphasized “Tumhara uske saath kya rishta hai???” kinda stare mastered from any one of those Ekta Kapoor serials. There were quite a few sweet kids also playing catching-cook and running race, girls went “cho chweeeeet” at. But mind you these same sweet kids, if you refuse to play with them could come from behind and kick your ass… So all in all for bachelors like me it’s a place of boredom where you do find pretty girls around but sitting amidst big brothers who have been visiting the akhada since the time I used to soil my diapers. And then you have your own mom along and you don’t want to be caught by her while dreaming of family planning with the girl who just served you laddus. So not so handsome guys like me have to get involved in talks with other elderly people around to pass time. But as I said, wedding is an institution or maybe a university too for the kinda knowledge that it imparts! Now I know, that the elderly fella who was sitting beside me has a son who has his office just 10 mins away from home. And how his son once had to walk up the 7 floors of his office building when he was suffering from loose motions only to find the toilet closed for maintenance. So weddings are also centers of social display of empathy to the problems faced by today’s junta. How would you ever know how difficult it gets for people working in offices with just one toilet? Well but I don’t blame that guy. Infact out of boredom I too got tempted to tell him that my neighbour’s relative’s friend’s dog was in love with a neighbouring bitch who had already given birth to seven pups. Maybe we could exchange more of some worthwhile information on this too…

I hadn’t seen so much gold and glitter around me those beauty-parlour-prettied-ladies were clad with. Their necklaces were so heavy that one day a sitting Rajpal Yadav might be taller than the stooping them. Talk about their heavy weight bangles… one could use them for weight lifting. And the amount of makeup they had… no wonder the cosmetic industry is blooming in India. As far as my opinion goes (if anybody would care for) at such occasions, I would like women wear delicate jewellery and sarees with simple elegant designs to go with. Not the gold laden women having the gaudiest choice in their supposedly designer wear sarees. Neways giving a little of my busy time at the wedding to such imperative observations, I wasn’t far from a PhD in the Art of Ornament Exhibition course offered by the prestigious University of Weddings. But I don’t think I would ever be able to master the art of just glancing at the ornaments and making a precise guess at the store they belonged to and also the accurate price, which those ladies were doing all so very well! Probably I need to be reborn as a girl in my next janam to be bestowed upon with such stunning brains having Pentium 6 kinda processing power.

For the little marital status inquiries attracted by this not-so-handsome-but-earning-guy, my mom had an answer ready. Instead of responding as Single, Married or even Committed she announced that I was an “Infant”. And not just that I was an infant who needed his diapers changed every 3 hours if not more often but also needed to be spoon-fed every meal with motivations like… this one is for Daddy… this one for Mummy… so that I don’t spit out the food. So for her, considering me for a marriage was like choosing Gulshan Grover for the role of Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. If my mom had the authority to I am sure the marriageable age for guys in India would be increased to atleast 35 years. And then one day when I am a successful person like Atal Behari Vajpayee, APJ Abdul Kalam or Ratan Tata, I can proudly tell my adopted grand children… “Har kamyab aadmi ke peeche ek aurat ka haath hota hai… mere liye woh meri Ma hai!”.

Well so to conclude my experience… guys… if you ever have to go for a wedding make sure you have good company (and also that mommy isn’t along ;)). As an additional advice… in your own wedding don’t go around gaga spending too much money on people you would meet only once in your lifetime, instead save that and go for an extended honeymoon. But again don’t be a guy like me who won’t spend a buck on anything remotely signifying his own wedding and plans to do a court marriage and close the deal with a cheap Cello Gripper ball pen… unless you want to stay kunwara all your life…

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