The best night I had with a guy! Aseem N wrote this at 9:09 am • Filed under I, Me and Myself •

We did it in taxis and rickshaws, in barely lit smoke filled rooms, on wooden chairs and on cozy couches, also at romantic sea side spots, not to forget in cafes with deafening music which got our hearts beating even faster. And yea shamelessly… to be honest a little more than even shamelessly we did it in five star hotels all night. Kya mamu? Bheje mein kya soch rahela hai? Tension nahi lene ka re mamu. Apun ekdum seedhi baat kar rahela hai. English mein bole to apun bilkul eshtrate hai. Ekdum bapu ki lathi ki mafik! Hehe Ok… I know you must be feeling as clueless and confused as a Salman Khan in a discussion of the effects of dollar appreciation and depreciation on the Bulgarian economy. Well let me tell you in the simplest of words… for which you will need a little of…

Flashback: We had a nasty college gang. Remember Eagles from the movie Josh? Just like one of those… with cool thick leather jackets, fast bikes, supercool apparels like chains hanging all over our body… falana falana! You don’t have to believe me on all that! But yes we were atleast those few small-time brats in college who bunked lectures and sat all day in canteen drinking slice and maaza and never paid the canteen fella for whatever we picked up from his little store. The last thing that I heard about him was that he tried committing a suicide from the top of our college’s administrative building as he had landed up in huge debts because of the poor business he made in our college. No wonder! Yes so we were those troublesome guys who never informed at home and left with our bikes for niteouts to explore the ever so beautiful Goa, which we realised that it unfortunately lays inside 5 star resorts… where you also get to drink for free Tropicana juice from tetra packs left as leftovers at the beachside parties… You don’t need to be as shameful as Rakhi Sawant for doing it. Get in with a gang of as many as you can and order just one hundred buck coffee. You get to play carrom, watch movies on a plasma TV, use their bedroom-like-washrooms and ofcourse brag to the Bichchu gang that you stayed in a 5 star resort last night!

Seems like I can go on and on with this…flashback! And you won’t even know when the movie has reached its climax. So we were talking about this guy I had my best night with… Ashish (A Ferrari freako trying to turn into a professional head banger, just needs longer hair) a very core part of our whatever-you-name-it-who-cares gang. So what we did shamelessly in all those places is simply had fun! Just too good fun! It wasn’t one of those guys-only-night-outs that I believe guys need often to stay away from those beautiful but unreasonably complicated species which can only talk gossips at 3 am. So we had to choose safer places as policemen drove us out of ‘potential’ places like Marine drive late night. I start to sweat when I see a policeman. I swear. So much so that I soon start dehydrating and need voluminous amounts of Gatorade and ORS combined. Since I as many other friends being official ambassadors of CCD are caffeine addicts and need a cup of coffee every hour if not more often, we decided that we find a 24hour coffee shop. A JustDial guy told us about some Vista coffee shop that would be open and the directions drove us to a resort… Taj Lands End at Bandstand, Bandra

Before we could even react someone escorted us out from our cramped taxi and we were soon freshening up in palatial washrooms. They even kept chocolates there. Wdf! The washrooms were so big… My seven generations of joint families could stay all their life in that much space. Soon we were at the much sought after Vista Coffee shop… I opened the menu. Coffee… even if you choose to use a little less of coffee beans, less milk, and even less sugar if you would like… It would still cost you a total 250 bucks without including the taxes. So we ordered a few items. By few I mean really few…may be in number equal to the hair strands on Anupan Kher’s bald head. We ate them as if we were cannibals hungry for whatever we found edible. At the end of it, what we all had in front of us were perfect Vim bar washed dishes! She would have been a proud mom if she had to see my clean plate and nothing dropped out of it or off the table. Plates were super duper clean… nothing left to even quarter fill a new born ant’s stomach. But while we did all this, we had two guys in super natural form. Something like Tendulkar playing against Pakistan in a world cup match. They joked and made us laugh all through, that we forgot that we were all so hungry. Kudos to you Amit and Rajat! Though at the end of it they did demand an entertainment tax from me as I was the only one to not even attempt to crack a joke and instead only enjoyed theirs.

Basically I am just too bad at making people laugh. You know those guys who have a bad timing cracking jokes? Or just don’t have the tone to go with it? I am one of those. Even a huge clumsy fat ass guy who has eaten over a hundred boiled eggs won’t fart on my jokes if I did manage to crack one (How gross… see I told you I was bad at cracking jokes! Even if they were silly stupid PJs these guys cracked all night and could make girls laugh. It still is some super natural art for a guy like me!). I even considered carrying a small hand pump spray filled with laughing gas and use it when girls are around to protect my izzat if I happened to crack a joke. But that too wouldn’t have helped. I am really one of those guys who would go to bat (if at all I got a chance to!) and tell the bowler to bowl slower deliveries to me as I had lost one of my kidneys… All that I would get in response were disgusted faces of friends with an expression as if I was the most displeasing guy left in the country and need to be jailed asap with a priority rating just after India’s most wanted man Dawood Ibrahim. So friends you will have to bear me around only until he is caught. See I can’t even pray now that he is in soon…

The dish of the day award was awarded to “Meethi Khoj” where we were left searching for Gulab Jamuns and Ras Gullas the menu card claimed to have in the dish. There were some sparrow egg sized marble balls in there though which were gulped down into our hungry stomachs before we could even taste the taste. This engendered within us a genuine urge to ask the chef that why he had killed the gulab jamuns even before they could reach adolescence. After gulping them down we tried really hard to produce a burp… atleast for a psychological satisfaction that we had a full out dinner! The rest of the time we were busy discovering new dish names that we Sandeep Chacha Café regulars would never have even heard of… Few names got the prestige of being included in our big fat dictionary of swear words. So the next time a guy punches my nose because I made a clown face at him I am gonna call him a Fffffffffffffuuuusiiiilinii! The ‘F’ letter just doesn’t go away right?!

It was 5:30 am and I had to catch a train to Pune for my cousin sister’s wedding. And the only one thing on earth that I thought that I was good at was packing my bag… was pending. So I had to rush home and catch my train while these Fffffffffffffuuuusiiiiliniis slept like paralysed logs back home!

Before I conclude the post… my insincere apologies to all the staff and waiters who heard even the slightest of our thunderous laughter and had mistaken it to a lightening on a summer night. I know you guys looked sick and irritated with our PJs. Almost like how a hand tied Maneka Gandhi would feel when a stray dog is shot down in front of her. But the next time we decide to disrupt your peace, please give us a pleasant welcome and more importantly do smile when we crack a joke. We feel like losers otherwise. And the food…We just loved it. If you had served a little less than what you did, Hanumanji ki kasam I would have even tongue licked the plates, spoons, forks…

P.S.: Ashish you made my night… you made my weekend… thanks a lot for coming over to Mumbai all the way from Bangalore for whatever reason you came for… we had a great time with you! Only that statistically I just slept for 9 and a half hours out of the 3 and a half days (Owl! Owl! Owl!) and I need to sleep for the next 3 days to reassure myself that I hvnt turned into an insomniac. I still hope from the bottom of my heart that you could again be here this weekend! And the 4 hour long laughter dose we had in Taj… 4 pack abs have already popped out on my belly… How many have you got? :)

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